What you get is what you got

The phrase "I hate my life" is simply ridiculous. For one, hate is a strong word and two whatever you hate about your life isn't everything, because most of the time that phrase is triggered when something goes wrong. I admit it, there are times when I want to say "Fuck this, I hate my life." But every time I stop myself and I end up here. Writing something that I regret in the next hour, but I leave it be. Just to read the next time I want to give up. As a reminder that I may be upset, but I'm not truly insane. Because I only used to hate my life until I looked into the eyes of others. I have very little of reason to hate my life, I may hate (or strongly dislike) certain aspects of my life, but I will never hate it. If I hated my life, then I would end. Simple as that.

In grade nine I took a test for the hospital in my city were all the mentally insane are. Social workers came for me, trying to tell me I showed signs of depression and that I obviously needed help. At first I believe them, because they were supposed to be professionals. But after a few days of at home torture, screaming and interrogation, I had an epiphany, sort of. I realized that if social worker tells me I show signs of depression, I can take it two ways: I could believe it and become severely upset or I could say 'Fuck you' and keep living as I do. I knew who I was then and I know who I am now, I don't have depression. I was a fourteen year old girl who didn't want to live in a life with verbal abuse, but I sure as hell wasn't depressed. I was upset and hurt, but there wasn't a medical term for it. I was (and still am) a teenager. You can't diagnosis a 14 year old with depression, that's a waste of time, money and tears. Social workers and others like them don't take hormones into account it seems. Because if they did, then I wouldn't have had that issue and I wouldn't have to notify the whole government if I wanted to move out of the province. They overreacted to something that they made up, a lot of people make a mountain out of a mole hill (best saying ever ftr) just because they need to thrive on something.

I know this girl, whom I met over the internet. Her life was close to perfect, she had a job that she loved, she had great friends, she lived in a safe neighborhood and she really did love her family. And she told me she knew all of this. But this girl, couldn't take this, she knew she had nothing to complain about, she knew how well her life was. Every time I talked to her my heart would break, because I knew hers was too. She was from Israel, where a war is going on. Because she is so full of love and compassion, she felt guilty because her friends were dying and she couldn't do nothing. About a year ago I was talking to her and she asked if you could die by jumping off of a two story building and how many pills would you have to overdose on to die. I refused to answer both questions because I knew why she wanted to know these things. Someone who was happy with their life, wanted to commit suicide because she couldn't stand the guilt from having her loved ones die as well. But that's now how life is supposed to be, and she knew this, and she never did commit suicide. Because it's better to be alive and able to help initiate a change rather than die and have people mourn over your death.

I hated my life

Would never suffice

In a suicide note

If it were written for me to see

I can't handle the pressure

Because life isn't getting better

Is never an excuse to me

Get up and change what's wrong

Isn't a sentence that belongs

Because if you don't understand

That we as humans, can't meet that demand

Because I think everyone is a hypocrite

And I don't think we're all noticed yet

We say that we know it

But you've yet to show it