Dear ___,

The fact that I've been trying to write this like 5 times in the past week is really getting to me. But this time I'm going to sit here, even if I'm still sitting here at 10 tomorrow morning when I'm supposed to be at work. I'm not going to give up on getting what I want to say out because, if I do, I'll feel better about. Or at least I'll actually feel as if I have real human emotions. Because right now I feel as if I've been ignoring one of the most important human emotions - compassion. But I still can't feel it, it feels as if my heart has overdosed on painkillers and doesn't feel anymore. It's a terrible feeling to have when your head has to step in and tell you what your heart wants.

The main problem being that I overreacted to a picture and a sentence. Sadly, the day after this happened the picture was taken down and so was that sentence. I don't know if I should be happy that you realized how much it hurt me. Because you aren't the only one in pain. If I could describe how it made me feel, it wouldn't make sense. Not everybody speaks in a jumble of random letters, numbers and symbols. If only I was truly fearless, I wouldn't be having this exact issue. There can't possibly be any words to say how I feel because I don't know anymore. At first I thought I was upset, then angry and then really sad, then confused, but now my confusion is confused and I don't know what to do. Because apparently the "I'm Sorry" shirt idea won't work. Of course it won't work, it's so insensitive. And if what I think happened really is happening, then you are very sensitive. And I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I can't control how I feel half the time and all my emotions go straight to rage.

I'm sorry that you don't understand why.

I'm sorry that this probably won't help you.

I'm sorry that I'll never show you this.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

If I should really try to explain how I at least felt then and how I feel now, but I can't guarantee that it'll make any sense. Truthfully, I am tired of people who think it's "awesome" to put up drunk pictures of themselves. I'm tired of thinking of my brother every time. Every time I read about anything drug related I cringe on the inside. I've seen a life ruined and trashed, literally. You can't expect me not to react, especially if I actually give a damn about the person. And yes, I did (probably still do) give a damn about you. I know I over react, I overreacted and now we're here. I tried to get rid of things that reminded me of horrible times, but when I missed them they refused to come back. And now it hurts. I can't sleep anymore. And when I finally get to sleep all my dreams are infected with things that remind me of you. Almost every time, you're running. I don't know where, but I can never move, I'm glued in my place. I don't even know what it means, but I wake up in a cold sweat.

Right now I just want to know that I didn't really hurt you, and if I did, please believe me when I say that I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean anything. I caused this whole problem. I'm not sane. I'm shaken up by this whole ordeal. This joke isn't funny anymore, I want out. I want out of this life or this pain. I don't want someone to be mad at me, because you don't deserve it. You don't deserve any kind of emotional pain, especially from me. I didn't want this. But I deserve all the hatred you have. I don't care if you choose to glare at me for the rest of my life. I just want you to know that I am truly, honestly, from the bottom my heart (or brain) that I am so sorry.

The look on your face the day afterwards was painful to look at. I felt as if I actually hurt someone. Not like "oh you're mad at me, you'll get over it". It was like exhausted depression. I hated it. I hate me right now. I can't even find the right words to apologize anymore, all I have is "I'm Sorry" but it doesn't feel good enough. I wasn't good enough for you anyway. You don't want my problems. You don't want to have me, I can't keep any emotion in tact for longer than an hour. You don't understand, but I want you too, but you shouldn't have to. No one should have to live with me when I'm upset.

But the only reason why I feel so bad is because you're the only boy who actually gave a damn that I was upset and didn't mock me. Almost everyone mocks me when I cry. You didn't and you don't understand how much that meant to me. It still means a lot to me. Now I feel worse because you probably cried and I didn't care at the time. But I do now and it's too late. It's too late to take it all back, But believe me, I would if I could. I would do anything to prove to you that I didn't mean to hurt you, I may have meant to hurt other people. But not someone who cared. Or at least appeared to do so.

But all this is based on a theory. You may not even care and just hate me because I tried to push you out of my life. And for that, I'm not sorry. If you want to hate me because I didn't want you my friends list, then go fuck yourself and your big ego. If you keep ignoring me because you think it's funny, then fuck you. Fuck you and I hope you die.

And if this theory is correct, then accept it.