I feel as if I shouldn't be living.

Flashback 3 years. Grade 7. For some absurd reason I thought I sucked at being this one person's friend. Then never laughed when I tried to make jokes and they seemed upset with me all the time. With others they were fine, but with me it seemed different. Why? Did she just not like me? If that was truly so she wouldn't have invited me to her birthday party that summer. The next summer she called me to ask for another friends number, so she could phone them. That never made sense to me. I felt fucked over. Like I was being used, everyone uses me.

Why am I the one always being used? It's everywhere, even on the internet. My only thought it because people know I feel the need to be there, to help someone in need, to comfort an outcast when the cry and to just be an ear to everyone's problems. Why am I like that? To me everyone is equal, if I dislike this person, I'll treat them with the respect they need. Everyone needs respect. Maybe if I nearly kill myself caring for people someone will give a damn about how I feel. Just maybe.

Don't get me wrong, there are people who care about me. But there is never a good time to tell them anything that really hurts deep. Probably no one knows I'm like a retarded mix of a bulimic and anorexic. I eat well, then I just stop. Because I just do. I never understood that part of me. The only real meal of the day I eat properly is diner, and my family doesn't give a shit about anything so it's usually something greasy and disgusting. Afterwards I cry in pain because I feel my stomach being destroyed inside.

Everyday I cry, for some stupid reason. It could be because I've been left alone with my thoughts too much, or someone from my own family insults me or something I really feel for. I'm crying now. Because this hurts, I don't want to be here anymore. But I have to, I have great things to do and assholes to prove wrong. And I won't give up.

I want to go home, and home is a place where you feel loved and you truly belong.