Never Again

I take a short breath in, try to get my breathing back on track. Nothing works, nothing ever works. Sobs, they curse my lungs, my eyes and my ears. They echo, the echo rips through my back, I can feel the vibrations, I don't want this, I don't want to be this person anymore. I shove my face into the thin, limp pillows that dress my old bed, that should muffle the sound, no one will hear me cry. No one will see my pain.

I slowly drift off into sleep, I dream, more of a nightmare. My world flashes before my eyes. I see the good times, the young are so innocent, the sweet smell of the Autumn leaves, the colours, they spin in mind, the beauty is almost too much. It is too much, the world turns black, a gaping whole, I am sucked inside. Death, I can feel it, but hope, hope is always there. Evenutally the blankness of this hole stops, and I awake from a deep slumber.

The sun begins to peek it's violent rays over my window sill, I roll over, it's a little past 6, too early to be awake now. I close my eyes, I will think happy thoughts, I will go to my made up life, in my made up world, I will feel like I belong there. A perfect family paints a picture in my mind, were no one cries, were no one dies. I hope my eyes, again I feel myself about to cry. Why does the thought of happiness make me cry? Maybe I've dug myself a hole so deep in pain, that happiness would be torture. Maybe I'm just a girl who wants to be herself in life, and there is something not letting me.

Walking. Walking is all I could need in life, plug my ear buds in and I'll walk for hours. I'll walk anywhere, as long as it isn't here. My life feels like a downwards spiral, I know nothing, and I will never know anything. I'll just keep walking until I break down and die. Never again, will I feel the way I feel.