Today I was told "You're my main source of money, I've got to stay on good terms with you."

Here's another:

"You have to make lots of money so you can take care of us when you get older."

I'm actually at a loss for words because both those quotes, coming from my loving father, are serious, he may say it's a joke, but how can I believe that?

I may not have lived through a life opportunity. I've never got to play the sports I liked, I've never got go places I wanted to. I've never ate the food I wanted, I don't think I've ever been feed properly. I don't get to dress the way I want and I don't get to be person I want. But at least I can say that I know my family loves me, but with statements like those it feels as if they are using me, and want to continue using me throughout the rest of my life.

My two dream jobs are to become a social worker or a high school teacher, both make a decent salary I suppose, with the whole health benefits deal. But that never occurred to my parents, they want be to become a lawyer and make hundreds of thousands of dollars so, not only can I be rich, so that they can be rich as well. They want to control my career path so that I end up doing something I hate so they can live a lovable life.

As of now I am my family's crutch, without me they'd fall down deeper in the spiraling pool of starvation and debt. But they always ask for more, I rarely ever get to see my full pay check because it's getting borrowed for what I am told is to feed our family. I'm not blind and I can see a gambling addiction when I see one.

Does anyone understand how bad it hurts to see your 14 year old brother counting up his dimes so that he can buy a scratchcard?

Nobody will understand until they see it themselves, and if I believed in God, I would pray that no one would have to sit here and be me for a day. Nobody should have to live on the streets, and no one should live if they wish not too.

Another thing that hurts the most is the fact that my parents are behind on all their bills, yet they are trying to find 350 dollars so my brother can go to some baseball camp this winter. As much as I'd love to see him happy doing what he loves, it kills me inside that I never got any of that. It also kills be that they refuse to take me to get my eyes tested for free because they don't want to pay for the glasses afterwards, because they know I need them. What hurts even more is that I've needed glasses for almost 2 years and it's stopped me from doing so many thing I wish I could do.

But when I first heard of this baseball camp, I wanted to pay for it, because I knew no one else could. Because I know how much it means to my brother. There is a little voice inside of me that says to just collect the money and stick it in out mail box one day, just so that one part of someone life is better. There is also that part of be that hates the other part of me for thinking that way, because truth be told I need to always have money incase someone else needs it.

I want to jump into the ocean
I want to swim in the sea
If you understand where I'm going
Then come follow me