Maybe you don't understand.

But maybe you do.

If so, how does it feel to have your life and sanity threatened everyday? How does it feel to be pulled apart until there's nothing left. Until you are nothing, nothing but a puddle of tears. How does it feel to be in constant harassment. How does it feel to live in something so unstable it hurts to get out of bed in the morning. How does it feel to hurt so bad that you've lost all feeling. How does it feel to be stuck in a box of problems where you're told you have no way out.

How. Does. It. Feel.
To wake up in the morning to this:
"Hello, you shouldn't be here, you are nothing and you'll always be nothing. You will never be as good as me at anything, you're a failure, you're going to fail. You shouldn't be allowed to breath. You were born to annoy me and I was born to slowly bring you down to suicide. I am here to make your life Hell in every possible way. I don't care if you cry and if you scream for help no one will save. No one can save you. No one cares if you live to see tomorrow. You are useless, like I said before, you are nothing. I hate you. I hate the way you speak. I hate they way you act. I hate the way you look. I hate the fact that you're alive. We were made to live then die, but you don't deserve such a luxury of living anymore. Life would be better without you. You mess everything up, you can't do anything right. You make my life miserable."

Before I have time to think. Before I have time to speak. Before I have time to even breathe.

Everyday the same cycle happens, the timing may be off but it always happens the same. I wake up, get harassed, it leaves, it comes back worse with violence, I hold back the will to scream and cry. It continues and I just can't stand it anymore and get up and leave.

I don't understand why this happens anymore. I've done nothing, I've hurt no one. But I make his life miserable and he threatens my life on it. This isn't supposed to be this bad. In life there is only so much a person can take and I've had enough, I have no room left to breathe. I honestly have to no will to live every time he goes to speak. Every time part of my confidence is stripped away and I left with less. It's not something I can re-gain easily and if I could it would soon be dissolved my tears anyway.

I wish that I couldn't feel anymore. It's the only thing that appears to make sense right now. If I can't feel anything, I won't be able to feel the pain I am bound to receive everyday. I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep because I can't take the feeling of being weak anymore. I could stand up and be myself without having to be pushed back down by someone who can't matter to me anymore.

But that's impossible.

If I couldn't feel anymore I would never learn to love someone. I would never be able to even try to help people because I cannot feel the way the do. I will never get to tell someone how I feel, because I wouldn't.

I want to live in a world where the cycle is happy and not unstable. I want to wake up in the morning to no yelling or harassment anymore. I want to wake up to live my day. I need to know that I can make it through two more years without doing something that will hurt people and make someone else very happy.

I can't hide that I'm in pain anymore, I don't want to smile anymore, I can't laugh because it's nothing is funny. I feel trapped in an morbid state. Everything right now is terrible, I can't eat, I can't sleep and I will never be able to trust or love anyone. I've been robbed of something in my life and I'd like it back but that's not possible. I can't leave my room without fear anymore, there will always be someone waiting with a knife around the corner. Life is not a fantasy.

I want to get out of this one day smiling. Smiling because I am happy, one day I'll be truly happy. When I move out of this town and I leave everything that I've always hated behind. When I get to be myself and do what makes me happy. I will love life and I will trust again. For now I will sit in my world full of hatred and cry at the computer. I will never fit in to anything and this family will never really love me. But one day they're going to regret hurting me. One day they're going to be sorry they ever put me through this. One day I'll be better than the boy who hurt me most, and he still point and laugh but it'll be fine.

Because I will love me.